Yesterday, I decided to try to do all my Christmas shopping. Toward the end, I ended up feeling frustrated and depressed because I couldn’t find what I was looking for and also, couldn’t decide what to get for some certain people. I was frustrated because I have a friend who wants a certain book and because I wanted to get my dad a certain DVD, so I went to Hastings Entertainment to get them. Of course, they had everything BUT these two items. It’s not the first time Hastings has let me down; I love to browse their store, but whenever I’m looking for something specific they often seem to let me down, probably because they mostly carry new material and I often want copies of books published 10 years ago or more. … which reminds me, we’re almost finished with our first decade of the new millennium! I’m excited, for both Christmas and New Year’s. I hope I can find a decent party to go to on New Year’s. In the past, we always went to our family friends, the Deaners. But they not only are 500 miles away from us at the moment, but I’m sure they have other plans. But back to yesterday, I was also frustrated because I have a friend who’s having a baby in January or February and she has enthusiastically invited me to her baby shower. While I don’t know if I’ll logistically be able to come, I wanted to get her a gift whether I showed up or not. Walking down Main Street (technically Central Avenue; they should really just change the name), I went into this quaint cafe that also sells a few knick-knacks, cosmetics, etc., besides food. They had some beautiful hand-woven clothing made out of wool. There were scarves, winter hats, two ponchos, and a tiny little hat that I thought was adorable and would be perfect for a baby. The problem was, it was almost $35, as were all the other wool garments. I decided, for obvious reasons, to shop around before buying it. So I later went to Target and looked at their infant merchandise. They had really adorable sweaters for newborns. Of the two I liked most, one came only in a 3-month size, the other came only in a 6-month size The 3-month-er was a warmer, more festive type of thing that you should probably only wear during winter, and I was afraid if I got it, the baby wouldn’t get any use out of it. The 6- month-er would for certain be too big for the baby once he was born (I think she told me it was a he) but it was more general and could be worn even in the summer, I think. They were $12.99 each, and I got both. I don’t know why… I can’t decide whether to keep them, return one, return both, and then if I should get the hat. I looked – they didn’t have any hats like it at Target. Also, in 3 hour and 45 minutes I have my last sit-down final. I also have a take-home final that’s due Friday. It was supposed to be due Monday; I am so lucky. I don’t know why teachers are so nice to me, but I’m not going to question it anytime soon.

After Target, I came home to wrap the few presents I did have and maybe have supper. I fell asleep on the couch immediately and did not wake until 12 hours later. By the way, I had a helluva time trying to get out of the Hastings parking lot. Anyway.

Wel, I got to go….

Yesterday (Monday) I walked down the street back to campus, finished some work that needed to be done, and went to class. After my three morning classes, I have a soils class that meets once a week during Monday afternoon and evening. For this past weekend, I’ve been feeling a little sick – sore throat, stuffy nose, stuffy throat, pain in my right eye. It was between my morning classes and my soils class that I was feeling particularly sick and decided that, since we never really did anything in soils, I would like to take a long nap instead and try to recover.  So I did. I woke up around 7 in the evening with 3 texts. I don’t remember what they were. The cafeteria closes at 7, but I wasn’t hungry anyway. My friend Brandy texted me, how was I doing? And I said fine, would you like to visit? And she said fine, so she came over, and we concluded that we both needed to go to Walmart. She needed contact solution and Pepsi. I needed Kleenex. We did that, we came back, talked a little, she went to bed, I hung out with some friends who live down the hall from her, two of them went to bed and two of them were going to try see some shooting stars in the meteor shower that was about to take place. I decided to go with since I’ve never seen a meteor shower. We drove out of town were we could see the sky well. It was supposed to start at 1. I saw the first shooting star a few minutes after 1. Then the two girls saw the next two stars, which I missed. And one of the girls saw two more stars after that. Then we came back around 2. They went to bed. I came back here. Got out the laptop and prepared to write, some in here, and some for class. I just took some ibuprofen. I think I feel it kicking in. In my experience, ibuprofen works wonders on sore throats. It still hasn’t kicked in enough though. Anyway. So, when I got back, 4 people started talking to me on various chat providers – two on Yahoo!, one on MSN, and one on Facebook. I really didn’t want to talk to any of them except for my friend on Facebook who I had spent time with in high school in Wisconsin. I wanted to be filled in with what was going on over there, and just catch up between the two of us in general. So I did. After EVERYONE finally signed off of chat, like, 4 in the morning, I clicked on a Facebook ad for the movie Precious. I had heard about it but didn’t really know anything about it. It’s based off of a book called Push, which is also the name of a good movie about something completely different. I want to get the book and watch the movie. I have a feeling the book will be better, but who knows? The film had a lot of hype surrounding it. I watched a few YouTube videos of interviews with the stars of the film. Hollywood seems very excited. Anyway. The nearest theatre that is showing the film, according to the film’s official website, weareallprecious.com, is in Omaha, and the film will start playing tomorrow (Wednesday the 18th). Today, I really have nothing to do except homework, cleaning (if I want to), and debate practice. I think I’d like to give piano lessons. I looked into tutoring but I need to be more than a freshman to do that. Wednesday, I will turn in my final draft of my TV essay for English…and stuff. Thursday, no plans. Friday, class, and no plans. Saturday… no plans? Jeez, I need to get organized. I’m tired. I feel like taking a nap… but I don’t think I should. Should I? Maybe just a little one? Oh! Edit that. I do have a plan for Wednesday. 6:30 pm I’m gonna help give a talk to this class of graduate counselor students. 8 pm is QSA. Maybe I’ll take a little nap. I want to eat breakfast, but not if every bite that slides down my throat is going to hurt like a mofo. Ibuprofen, work faster, I tell you! Alright… I’ll see you all soon. Wish me progress! I realize this was a lame, self-fulfilling post. I don’t care. Ttyl, luv ya <3 xxoo bye Alex

7 am update: … I just remembered something … what was it? I want to get the book Push… but … book. Something about a book. Sarah… OH! No, not at all. I just wanted to say, about a week or two ago, I discovered the relatively new comedian Gabriel Iglesias. I love him! He’s done two major broadcasted shows so far: Hot and Fluffy, live from Bakersville, and I’m Not Fat, I’m Fluffy, live from somewhere else (I forget where). Hot and Fluffy is hilarious. Epic. Definitely worth watching. Several times, in my opinion. Love it, love it, love it. It’s on YouTube. Go. Now. Ok. Breakfast time. byebye ttfn ttyl yeah yeah yeah.

I just watched what I think was Made and am in the process of watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. It’s very interesting. FYI, I’m writing this post during the commercial breaks.

So, from what I’ve seen so far, the show seems poorly excuted but extremely interesting in topic. Something I’ve noticed with sex addicts I’ve met in person, read about, or heard about, and something that all the clients on this show have in common is sexual abuse as a child. They say that, as a child, they learned that sex was what made them valuable and therefore carried that with them into adulthood where they still believe sex is what gives them value. The problem with these people who are seeking help is that, at this point in their lives, they aren’t feeling the value, the self-esteem, love for themselves, love for others – the validation that sex used to provide for them.

A connection or revelation that I had in my head – whether it be true or not – is that the same phenomenon can be described using a medium with a more positive connotation – knowledge. Children whose parents value knowledge, school attendance, objective understanding of the world, and good grades usually end up with children who feel knowledge is what makes them a valuable person. This underlying belief - that knowledge makes them a valuable person – usually shapes to a very great degree these people’s life choices and paths and how they see and feel about themselves as adults. The more I think about it, the more I think it can be anything – food, sex, drugs, knowledge, art, writing, beauty – anything that a person receives acceptance and validation for as a child shapes and follows them into their adulthood. It seems to me, now, that it’s very important how we reward our children, or how children are rewarded. How a child is rewarded, it seems, can shape his or her entire outlook on life. It seems sensible and reasonable enough – I can say this is very true in my life. Crazy phenomenon, isn’t it? And it also seems to explain to me why when people break one addiction, they tend to fill it with another. Regardless of the source, people need this validation. Ideally, it comes from something that doesn’t have harmful physical and mental side effects. Drugs certainly don’t make the cut. Sex, as these people on TV testify, works to an extent … but doesn’t seem to be a cure-all. Art and beauty … now those are some interesting ones. I know some people who get their validation from being either artistic, beautiful, or both. I’m sure you do, too. It’s funny, because it seems to work, but these people always tend to have some quirks about them. It seems, in order to value beauty so highly in one’s life, you almost need to force yourself to ignore some of your other worldly sensibilities. Because, the sensible bottom line is, beauty is relative. Yes, there may be someone out there who will pay you – whether in dollars or in love – for your particular brand of visual presentation. I don’t know what I’m thinking on that one … I’ll have to think about it some more. Maybe … beauty’s not so bad. I’ve always kind of thought there was something wrong with those people. Something entirely different… what makes something beautiful? I’ve wondered that a lot. Yes, there is a certain amount of opinion involved in art and beauty. I don’t know. My head hurts. I need a Pepsi. Or sleep.

What I really need is to conclude, proofread, and print this paper. Not this paper, what I’m writing here, but a different one I have up in Word. … Well, I’m taking a break for the moment… I might be back. Much love

So much has happened in the past two months, even more in the past six, and even more in the past year. (Well, duh.) But seriously … two months and nine days ago, I moved out of my parents’ house and into Randall Hall, which, like any action, had its pros and cons. Three weeks later, I got a different roommate. Last July, I moved across the country with my family for the first time in my life; before then I had lived most of my life in the same house. My story isn’t that unique, or special really. I’m eating some Bordeaux Cherry Chocolate ice cream right now, and it’s almost gone, and it’s making me sad. =”[ Anyway. It’s all gone now. I finished it. Anyway, what was I talking nonsense about? Like … yeah. I couldn’t sleep tonight. I was itchy, between the legs. Sometimes that happens, and all I can do is get up, walk around, and try taking a shower. I feel better at the moment, but this itch is very sneaky. It could come back at any time.

I’ve often wondered what causes this itch. I’ve wondered if it was something as serious and gruesome as a fungus or a parasite. It’s not though, I don’t think. It think it’s just caused by trimming the hair around there, which triggers irritation as it grows back.Whatever.

I didn’t see Stephen Colbert today. That was a bummer. And this book I bought about Kathy Griffin wasn’t … well, it’s not bad. I was going to say it’s not as good as I thought it would be. First of all, “good” used to be a word I refused to use, since its meaning is so relative, vague, and disputable. To be more specific, Kathy Griffin’s book hasn’t made me laugh as much as I thought it would – but it has kept my interest so far. Anyway. I also missed debate practice last Thursday, completely by accident. Well, no, actually. It was because I had an overdue paper to finish and turn in. I still have an overdue paper to turn in – a different one though. I can’t really write it right now – I mean, I could, but I’d rather not. I’m writing in here and somewhat enjoying it.

OH MY GOSH, I just made a huge breakthrough.

I was thinking about complaining about the fact that I have to walk to Chartwells – my university’s cafeteria – in order to get the food. Then I was trying to decide whether or not I believe in complaining. And I realized I believe in it, so long as the complainer is looking for a solution to his or her problem – like, he or she actually wants to solve it. Or do I?  I don’t know. Anyway, the simple solution to the problem of me having to walk so far to get my food from Chartwells (yes, it is my food; I already paid for it) is getting over it. If I’m not interested in walking over there, I could cook in my hall’s communal kitchen (out of the question) or try to find a way to make my living space and the cafeteria physically closer to one another. But I’m not going to do that either. I think I’m going to get over it. I remember, though, when I was a few years younger, I had strong feelings about this whole issue of complaining – I was very careful not to complain unless I was seeking a solution. And I am seeking a solution now! Life is so much better that way, in my opinion at least.

Here’s a cool link: http://www.colbertnation.com/interview-simulator For you Colbert-o-philes, like myself.

That empty ice cream container is staring me in the face. I’m not so sure I like it.

I was thinking, earlier, about how relative everything is. Actually, I’ve thought several times about this. Just about daily. I’ve also thought about how the meaning of the word “natural” is one of the most relative things of all. “Natural” is kind of like “normal.” And it doesn’t take a genius to realize normal is bunch of bologna. If I ever need to spell “bologna,” I think “boh-log-nah,” because that’s what it looks like.

I have another carton of ice cream upstair. Four flights of stairs, a winding hallway, a doorway, and a freezer away.

I also recently learned of the comedian Gabriel Iglesias. Most of his reviewers say something like “He can do the best voices and sound effects in the world!” and I’d have to agree.

Dang. I’m tired, but at this rate I just want to pull a frickin’ all-nighter. Just a second. I gotta get a drink of water…

By the way, I’ll have anyone who happens to be reading this know that I started writing, like, half an hour ago … I’m not writing continuously. I’ve taken several breaks to browse the web, read, or throw away my ice cream container. I wonder if anyone will notice that there’s an ice cream container in the computer lab’s garbage can. I keeping the spoon though. I paid 25¢ for it.

I love the computer lab’s computers because they have a fast internet connection. I love my labtop, because the hard disk space is my own, to save stuff on, and, it has a webcam. I want to record videos and maybe start my own channel on YouTube. I’ve thought about this for quite sometime now. It doesn’t really matter if anyone watches it, although it would be nice. Sometimes, I just need to air my thoughts on camera. I mean, I don’t need to. What am I trying to say? I don’t know. Chartwells opens at 7 … I think. But the only things they serve at 7 that are worth eating are cereal and hash browns. Everything else is yucky. Then, at 11, they’ll start serving the lunch dishes – I love them all, usually – can’t decide what to eat. Same for dinner, which starts at 5.

Things I have done: picked up some of laundry.

Thing I need to do: pick up the rest of my laundry, vacuum the floor, take out the trash, water my plants, take my pills, clean off the card table, clean off my desk, write that paper, do my reading notes, come up with contentions for debate. I think that’s good enough for now.

And speaking of good enough for now, I’m going to take a short break from this blog post. Watch Stephen Colbert, everyone. I love him. I guess. Mentally. I’m going to take a shot … well… Ga-RUFF. Here’s the deal. My paper has to be about a TV show episode. Any episode in the world, as long it’s comedy or drama – no reality TV, no news, no documentaries – it needs to be scripted and acted. And … I don’t watch that kind of TV very much. And when I do, the details don’t always stick … like, what was going on? I’ve watched a few episodes of Cold Case recently, and I was going to write my paper on that, but I can remember so little of what I saw … it just seems pointless. And by “pointless,” I mean “like it would result in an uninteresting paper that does not fulfill the requirements which my instructor set forth for my class.” I suppose I could choose something random off of Hulu. I also need to do my reading notes but that requires thinking and I’d rather have some hash browns before trying to do that.

FYI, ever since I’ve started college, I have become much more lazy than I was before. If you knew me before, you can probably tell just from reading this. I wonder if I would feel more able to do my work if I cleaned my glasses. I don’t even know if they’re dirty. Let me check. … They’re alright. They could use a little shine. I wonder how my brother’s doing. My Farmville plants won’t be ready til 9 o’ clock. I’ll be right back; I’m going to clean my glasses, which, by the way, are brand new. … They didn’t really get any cleaner. Oh well. Since I’ve managed to lose two pairs of glasses in the past year, I decided to choose the cheapest pair of frames I could find: $18. And I like them too … I do actually feel quite bad-ass when I wear them. Two racks away, I could’ve chosen frames that cost, literally, $100 more. They’re sort of seventies … I told my roommate they’re kind of like Velma from Scooby Doo‘s glasses, and started calling me Velma after that. For a little while. I hope I meet a real-life Velma someday. I don’t think I have yet. Maybe I’ll name my next pet Velma, if I ever get another pet. I wonder how my cat’s are doing. They’re living with my parents, as well as my brother. You know, you just can’t trust those parents to take care of others necessarily. They try, but man, oh man, sometimes … yeesh. I miss my cats. I want to go to Perkins. No, I don’t. I don’t have the money. Even if I did, I’m not that hungry. I can wait for the food I already paid for at Chartwells. $1,660-some for the semester. I’ve found it comes out to $6.50 per meal, or $19.50 per day, or $97.50 per week. You know … those numbers don’t seem right. Let me just get the real number for you. It’s only a few clicks away …

Okay. The food plan does indeed cost exactly $1660, so that much is right. And … after going throught the calender, I’ve found we have 70 days of class this fall semester. So that’s around $23.71 per day or $7.90 per meal. Those numbers don’t seem right either. Screw it.

I am craving hash browns quite seriously at the moment. 1 and a half more hours. You know what? No, I’m NOT going Perkins. I was thinking about it … again. But no. Okay, but really, 5 school days per week times 4 weeks per month is 20 school days per month times 4 months per semester is 80, minus several days for breaks … so 70 days of class is about right. So I guess those number are right. Well, damn. Guess what I’m not buying next semester? (A food plan, in case you couldn’t guess.) It’s apparently way cheaper to buy the meals individually. But I don’t know if I’m required to, or not. They say freshman have to have a meal plan. Next semester I’ll still be a freshman. But I don’t want a meal plan.

You, part of the reason I feel the need to eat now, I suppose, is that I’ve grown accustommed to instantly-available food. I just thought about the fact that I do have a frozen pizza I could make, but I don’t want to wait that long. I really have grown to be a little selfish with food, I suppose, or at least, impatient. My stomach feels uneasy, the uneasy kind of hungry feeling you get, but I can’t eat. Or at least… I don’t know. You know … so few people really know what they want. They fool themselves into thinking they know what they want when in reality they really have no clue. Want is just an image, a supposition, a perhaps. It doesn’t have to happen and nobody cares if it does … well, that’s not true. Some people do. But it is true that if what you want happens, it doesn’t really matter. Or maybe I’m blabbering nonsense. I think I need more water …

I have not balanced my finances spreadsheet in weeks. It’s not really life-saving or anything … I do like to see how I’m spending though. I mean, I can see how I’m spending in my mind by carefully recollecting the purchases I’ve made the past several weeks. But I can see how I’m spending on a spreadsheet if I enter my purchases into a table and tell Excel to make a cute little graph. I ever so adore cute little graphs. I think I’m going to marry one. A boy graph or a girl graph? Maybe a hermaphrodite or an amoeba. Never mind the thought that just passed through my head. It’s worth metioning, but not writing down. Then again, so are the rest of these. Or are they? I guess it’s an opinon really.

I manipulated the data to show about how much money you would make for every two days of planting and harvesting a given crop. Two days just seems to work best. How much money you make also largely depends on how quickly you harvest and replant after your crop has ripened. This data assumes you replant immediately after.

Strawberries
Sell for 35 coins in 4 hours – 15 coins plowing – 10 coins seeds = 10 coins in 4 hours x 12 = 120 coins in 48 hours (2 days)
Remember, that is assuming you get on your gosh darn computer every 4 hours and harvest and replant in record time. In reality, you might replant strawberries 3x/day tops, which would be 60 coins in 2 days.

Eggplant
Sell for 88 coins 2 days – 15 coins plowing – 25 coins seeds = 48 coins in 2 days

Wheat
Sell for 115 coins in 3 days – 15 coins plowing – 35 coins seeds = 65 coins in 3 days x two-thirds = 43 coins in 2 days

Soybeans
Sell for 63 coins in 1 day – 15 coins plowing – 15 coins seeds = 33 coins in 1 day x 2 = 66 coins in 2 days

Squash
Sell for 121 coins in 2 days – 15 coins plowing – 40 coins seeds = 66 coins in 2 days
(Same as soybeans! But less clicking, what with the plowing every 2 days and all.)

Pumpkin
68 coins in 8 hours – 15 coins plowing – 30 coins planting = 23 coins in 8 hours x 6 = 138 coins in 48 hours (2 days)
Realistically that’s not going to happen, unless you share an account with people in different time zones, or are crazy.

Artichokes
204 coins in 4 days – 15 coins plowing – 70 coins seeds = 119 coins in 4 days x one-half = 59 1/2 coins in 2 days

Rice
96 coins in 12 hours – 15 coins plowing – 45 coins seeds = 36 coins in 12 hours x 4 = 144 coins in 2 days

Raspberries
46 coins in 2 hours – 15 coins plowing – 20 coins seeds = 11 coins in 2 hours x 24 = 264 coins in 48 hours (2 days)
Yeeaahh…. no.

Daffodils
135 coins in 2 days – 15 coins plowing – 60 coins seeds =  60 coins in 2 days

Cotton
207 coins in 3 days – 15 coins plowing – 75 coins seeds = 117 coins in 3 days x two-thirds = 78 coins in 2 days

That’s as far as I’ve got.

So. If you’re the type of person who checks their Facebook when they wake up and before bed, rice is your best choice. Otherwise, there’s cotton and – if you’re not level 8 yet – squash and soybeans. If for some reason, the psychotic schedules of strawberries, pumpkins, or raspberries work out for you, go for it. Until later, farmers. (Yeah, right.) Alex

The real cost of drug use, esp. effects on people who transport it. There’s a book I want to get about this…

Homelessness, there’s a book I want to get on this too.

Sarah Vowell’s books.

There was something else too…. fml.

My friend Riley said it best. I’m not alone.

It could always be worse. Indeed, this was my personal anti-whining slogan throughout junior high and early high school. The reality is there are people all around the world in arguably more painful circumstances than I’m in at any given moment.

So why am I letting myself feel the pain?

I don’t want to. I want to pretend that everything’s okay and I don’t have anything to worry about. The problem is, I’ve encountered a person who cannot forgive me. Being one of the most forgiving people I know, this is hard to take, but in reality, I guess it’s his prerogative.

Looking back at the texts we exchanged, I keep going over what was said, wondering if there was anything I could’ve said, or changed about myself, to improve things. The other problem, is many people would agree I can’t be forgiven. I don’t know if this is right or wrong – once I was convinced there were no such things. I remember the way I used to reason … it’s coming back to me now. What I would’ve said … before … is that not being forgiven is not right or wrong. It’s just undesirable. It’s undesirable to the person who is not forgiven because he is denied acceptance and the services and love that come along with acceptance from those who condemn him. It is equally undesirable to those who will not forgive. The unforgiven has love and talent to offer to them. The unforgiving are denying themselves a  potentially beautiful relationship. However, the unforgiven must be seeking a relationship. Some people do not believe people’s apologies are sincere. They believe they are being lied to, even when they are being told the truth. There is nothing I would love more, at the moment, than to be given a second chance. But on the other hand, do I deserve it? Am I sincere? I know I am sincere – I can’t say if I deserve it.

I don’t know what to do.

Interview with Sarah Vowell on The Daily Show with Jon Stuart.

Real Life Horror

Protests….

This that and the other thing. I’ll finish later.